Life Goes On...

Life goes on...and it's going fast. I'm now 25 and trying to get my life going in the direction I want. Boy is it challenging! I'm almost done with my first semester at a local community college. I've decided to study Interior Design. The community college offers only an Associate Degree, so I'm hoping when I'm finished with it I can finish a Bachelor Degree out of state somewhere. I really need to get out of Utah for a while and I can't wait to get to that point! It still seems so far away, but until then I'll finish school. I love my classes and can't wait to start designing!

Along with school I've been employed with Nordstrom since July and I love it! It's a great company to work for. I was let go from the gas station I worked at for three years, but I think it's a blessing in disguise, although the loss of money has been hurting quite a bit. Trying to figure out a way to make up for it, but no luck yet.

I've been taking an acting workshop for about twenty weeks now and I can't get enough! Acting is the main thing I've wanted to do in my life, so I'm trying to pursue that as well. This workshop has taught me so much about the business and given me a greater drive to achieve my dream. It's also helped me realize that I can achieve it, so keep your eyes out for me on the silver screen!

I've been having some health issues for about the last year and hopefully will have them solved within the next couple of months. I just want to feel normal again and have energy and be happy! Not that I haven't been, but sometimes it's been a struggle.

Anyway, the reason I was writing this post to begin with was to share my thoughts on turning 25 and the revelations/realizations that came along with it.

Turning 25 years old made me realize just how fast time is going by and how unaccomplished I feel with my life. I'm going to be 3o in the blink of an eye and if I stay on my current road I will have nothing to show for it. I don't want that as my life. I want to be somewhat established with where my life is going by then, but getting life on the right track is proving to be extremely difficult.

I'm in the middle of a financial crisis, my car keeps having problems that cost obscene amounts of money to fix, my one job doesn't make ends meet, and my health doesn't help with any of these. I'm not writing about these to get any pity or make someone feel sorry for me because I know I'm much better off than so many others out there. I'm writing because I don't know what to do to get on top of them and turning 25 was a giant face palm to what is currently my life and a wake up call to act now.

So...where do I go from here?

Heart of Texas

I watched this video and was amazed by the strength and kindness of those who stood up for people they don't even know. I hope if the occasion arises I will be able to do the same. Not just for gay people, but for anyone who is being mistreated.

Spring Has Sprung

It's alive! Er, rather I'm alive! I'm alive and I am so happy that it's spring! The spring might not last too long here, but oh well. The sun has been shining and I'm loving it. I just wish the weather would get on some bipolar medication or something. It's driving me crazy and I want to sucker punch it!

So spring is the time for everything new and I'm hoping this one is the start of something new for me as well. I start a second job next month and am excited to get going. Also it will bring in more cash, which is much needed at this time in my life, although I wish it didn't have to go straight to bills, but such is life! I'm just glad for a new challenge and experience.

I have signed up for an acting workshop that lasts for ten weeks and I can't wait to start greasing my acting chops! It's been too long. I'm very passionate about it, so I hope it will show and that I can be successful in this pursuit. I'm going to work hard and I'll let you know what happens!

Along with the acting, I'm trying to get some modeling things going as well. I've done a couple photo shoots I hope will help build my portfolio so I can start booking some jobs. To help me with this I need to start working out and getting in shape! It's just so hard! Haha. I've been lazy for way too long and laziness is a hard habit to break. It will happen though! It has to happen.

Life has been rough the last few months, but I'm taking things in stride because it's all I can do. It's all anyone can do really. Sometimes life throws its trash at you and you have to go dumpster diving and maybe, just maybe you'll find some treasure. I'm searching for my treasure!

Keep on Swimming

Life sucks right now, but I'm trying to stay optimistic! I know. You're asking why my life sucks aren't you? Aren't you?! Fine! I'll tell you. Now, my life doesn't suck in the sense of I'm a loser or anything along those lines. No, no, no. My life sucks right now because of my inability to get it under control. I will get it under control soon. I hope. Oh I so desperately hope! There are a few major reasons why my life isn't in control at the moment.

First, I am drowning in debt and I don't know how to swim! My debt wouldn't be a problem if my hours at work weren't cut, but alas they were. My debt also wouldn't be a problem if I could have taken classes this semester. I don't have to pay on certain debts if I'm in school. You're smart I'll let you figure out what debts those would be. I'm not in classes this semester because I didn't get the financial aid needed to pay for those classes. So I'm not making enough money to pay my bills, which is why I'm trying to find a new job or jobs to help me out, which brings me to my next reason.

I haven't been able to get a new job for a while now. I know there are many people who don't have jobs period, my father among them, so I just have to be patient. Although I'm not sure how long patience will work before collectors start knocking on my door. Please pray it doesn't come to that! I've applied to many different positions and even interviewed several times for one, but wasn't chosen to fill it. I wasn't chosen because my final interview kind of bombed. Oh well! I don't interview well. It's like taking a test for me. I don't do well under the pressure! Just need to keep practicing. I've applied to a few other places recently, so I hope I at least get one interview from them and soon! All of this adds to my stress level, which I think is a big part of the next reason of why my life sucks at this time.

My god damn fucking stomach! Pardon my French, but man I'm sick of my stomach giving me grief. I went to the doctor a couple days ago and I'm going to try two diets over the next month or so. A no dairy diet and then a no gluten diet. This is to see if I'm allergic to one of them. I'm pretty sure I'm not since I eat both almost every day and my stomach doesn't hurt everyday. But when it does I want to die! The doctor also took blood to test for Hepatitis A, but haven't heard the results so I'm doubting it is Hepatitis. I'm also starting to take fiber supplements. Yummy! Not! If none of these things work then I will go to a specialist. So let's hope one of them tells us something!

So those are the main contributing factors to the fucking suckiness that is my life right now. With time these issues will be resolved and I can move on and never worry about them again, so I just have to remember that and not let them get me down. Overall my life is wonderful and I love it, so don't be too worried. I'll be fine. I always am. If life has you down just remember the words of a favorite sea dweller of mine. Just keep swimming!

Pre-Post Mormon

I'm technically still a Mormon although I haven't been active now for over three years. A friend posted a video on facebook from a website I'm sure is in response to all those "...and I'm a Mormon..." videos, but in the videos from this website the subjects explain how they came to be ex-Mormons and the significant impact it has had on their lives. The website is iamanexmormon.com and if any of you are struggling with your feelings towards the church or have left the church I encourage you to check it out. If you aren't Mormon check it out anyway. It's a new website so there aren't many videos, but in my opinion they're worth watching.

The reason I'm bringing this subject up is because I've been feeling I should remove my name from the records of the church for some time now. I think it would help me to sever the very thin ties I still have with the church and bring the closure that is needed for me to completely let go and move on. I just wonder why it's taken me so long to do so. Oh well, it's going to happen soon enough.

My feelings toward the church are not those of hatred but rather those of disappointment. Disappointment with the hypocrisy, lies, and ignorance. Many people in the church mean the world to me and I love them so much, but they were the only reason I stayed active as long as I did. Church was a social function for me-as I know it is for many people who attend-but that's all it was for me for a very long time. I didn't really have a testimony and I didn't want those I loved to be upset or disappointed with me, so I put on the facade everyday to keep questions from being asked. That was until I couldn't lie anymore. I couldn't lie to them or to myself any longer. So one Sunday I woke up and when I would've normally been getting ready to head to church, I told myself I was done. From that day I haven't been to church.

I'm not going to say my life has been perfect since that pivotal decision, in fact, I think it's been more difficult in some aspects, but the important thing is I'm a happier me because of it. I'm happier than I've ever been! Minus my depression. Haha! I'm working on it! I'm a less judgmental person willing to accept others as they are and not try to change them. I'm happier because I can be myself without feeling guilty, dirty, or sinful. I see the world with a wonder I never have before and I love it! I feel closer to others as I never have before. This life has so much to offer and for me the church restricted those offers. So I'm proud to say I am a soon to be an ex-Mormon! I'll probably write more on this subject later, but for now I can't write anymore about it. Need to get my thoughts straightened out. Thanks for reading!

Ramblings

Hmmm....what to ramble on about? I think I'll begin with my reason for not getting into a relationship at the present time because many people have been asking why I'm not dating anyone. The main reason holding me back from a relationship is my goal of moving to California before the end of the year. I don't want to get involved with anyone just to break it off when I move.

Why am I moving to California? I'm moving to California for a change. I think a change would really help me at this time in my life. I feel stuck where I'm at now like I can't move forward and if anything, I keep taking steps back. I don't want to be the person who looks back on their life and says if only...so I'm taking steps I feel are necessary for me to be happy and I'm doing it while I'm still young. Is there anything any of you feel you should do? If there is I hope you'll do it and won't have to say if only...Believe in yourself! Don't let your dreams get away! Don't let yourself say you're comfortable with your life if there's something you long for. Go for it! If you fail it's okay. These are things I've been telling myself for a while now and why I'm taking steps to do things I've always dreamed about.

Something else I've been pondering a lot lately is all the crazy shit going on in the US right now. Whether it's loony politicians, oil spills, or just your neighbor being a dumb ass, there is some shit going down in this country. I'm not going to get into anything specific, but I will say I'm tired of all the hatred people have for one another! Come on guys! There's no place for it. None! You want America back? Then stop your childish behavior! I can't believe how many people claim to be upstanding citizens of the United States, yet they have so much to do with all of the country's problems. You want to save America? You want to make this country proud? Then do your part to make this country free of hate. Stop being selfish and prideful. Stop degrading one another. It's scary to think of where the US could be headed in the future, so how long will it take us to realize we need to change before it's too late? I could go on but I'm not going to. I'll spare you.

Before I end this post I want to say to all of my loved ones that I love you and am grateful for you all!

The Facade of Religion

On Sunday, a young man in my parents home ward/church committed suicide. I don't know any details other than he did it when he came home from church and that he'd been suffering with depression. He died Monday night in the hospital. He was a junior in high school. I knew the young man from going to church growing up. I remember always thinking that he looked just like his dad. He was really shy as a little kid and I didn't know him as he grew up since I moved to Salt Lake City in 2005, but from what I remember he was a great kid with a big heart. His death has impacted me more than I could possibly imagine as I'm sure it has many others. I haven't slept well the last several nights because I can't stop thinking about it.

So many questions come to mind as you think of why someone would choose to end their life. What were they going through that could make them feel so hopeless? Did they try to get help? Did they talk with someone?

I've had depression for years and just barely started on medication, but mine has never been so severe that I've wanted to end my life. I can not possibly imagine feeling any worse than I do when I'm depressed, so I can't even being to fathom what someone feels like when they choose to end their life. It breaks my heart that someone could hurt to such an extremity.

Since I've heard of this young man's passing my mind has been racing. My thoughts keep turning to religion and the role it can play in many people's unhappiness, my own included, and the role it has played in conflicts throughout history.

I can't finish my thoughts in this post, but I will in the next one.