Life Goes On...

Life goes on...and it's going fast. I'm now 25 and trying to get my life going in the direction I want. Boy is it challenging! I'm almost done with my first semester at a local community college. I've decided to study Interior Design. The community college offers only an Associate Degree, so I'm hoping when I'm finished with it I can finish a Bachelor Degree out of state somewhere. I really need to get out of Utah for a while and I can't wait to get to that point! It still seems so far away, but until then I'll finish school. I love my classes and can't wait to start designing!

Along with school I've been employed with Nordstrom since July and I love it! It's a great company to work for. I was let go from the gas station I worked at for three years, but I think it's a blessing in disguise, although the loss of money has been hurting quite a bit. Trying to figure out a way to make up for it, but no luck yet.

I've been taking an acting workshop for about twenty weeks now and I can't get enough! Acting is the main thing I've wanted to do in my life, so I'm trying to pursue that as well. This workshop has taught me so much about the business and given me a greater drive to achieve my dream. It's also helped me realize that I can achieve it, so keep your eyes out for me on the silver screen!

I've been having some health issues for about the last year and hopefully will have them solved within the next couple of months. I just want to feel normal again and have energy and be happy! Not that I haven't been, but sometimes it's been a struggle.

Anyway, the reason I was writing this post to begin with was to share my thoughts on turning 25 and the revelations/realizations that came along with it.

Turning 25 years old made me realize just how fast time is going by and how unaccomplished I feel with my life. I'm going to be 3o in the blink of an eye and if I stay on my current road I will have nothing to show for it. I don't want that as my life. I want to be somewhat established with where my life is going by then, but getting life on the right track is proving to be extremely difficult.

I'm in the middle of a financial crisis, my car keeps having problems that cost obscene amounts of money to fix, my one job doesn't make ends meet, and my health doesn't help with any of these. I'm not writing about these to get any pity or make someone feel sorry for me because I know I'm much better off than so many others out there. I'm writing because I don't know what to do to get on top of them and turning 25 was a giant face palm to what is currently my life and a wake up call to act now.

So...where do I go from here?

Heart of Texas

I watched this video and was amazed by the strength and kindness of those who stood up for people they don't even know. I hope if the occasion arises I will be able to do the same. Not just for gay people, but for anyone who is being mistreated.

Music Monday - Annie Lennox

This song helped me through some tough times in high school so it resonates with me still. If you've never heard it, I hope you enjoy it.

Fran Walsh, Howard Shore, Annie Lennox

Into the West

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore
Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

Spring Has Sprung

It's alive! Er, rather I'm alive! I'm alive and I am so happy that it's spring! The spring might not last too long here, but oh well. The sun has been shining and I'm loving it. I just wish the weather would get on some bipolar medication or something. It's driving me crazy and I want to sucker punch it!

So spring is the time for everything new and I'm hoping this one is the start of something new for me as well. I start a second job next month and am excited to get going. Also it will bring in more cash, which is much needed at this time in my life, although I wish it didn't have to go straight to bills, but such is life! I'm just glad for a new challenge and experience.

I have signed up for an acting workshop that lasts for ten weeks and I can't wait to start greasing my acting chops! It's been too long. I'm very passionate about it, so I hope it will show and that I can be successful in this pursuit. I'm going to work hard and I'll let you know what happens!

Along with the acting, I'm trying to get some modeling things going as well. I've done a couple photo shoots I hope will help build my portfolio so I can start booking some jobs. To help me with this I need to start working out and getting in shape! It's just so hard! Haha. I've been lazy for way too long and laziness is a hard habit to break. It will happen though! It has to happen.

Life has been rough the last few months, but I'm taking things in stride because it's all I can do. It's all anyone can do really. Sometimes life throws its trash at you and you have to go dumpster diving and maybe, just maybe you'll find some treasure. I'm searching for my treasure!

Keep on Swimming

Life sucks right now, but I'm trying to stay optimistic! I know. You're asking why my life sucks aren't you? Aren't you?! Fine! I'll tell you. Now, my life doesn't suck in the sense of I'm a loser or anything along those lines. No, no, no. My life sucks right now because of my inability to get it under control. I will get it under control soon. I hope. Oh I so desperately hope! There are a few major reasons why my life isn't in control at the moment.

First, I am drowning in debt and I don't know how to swim! My debt wouldn't be a problem if my hours at work weren't cut, but alas they were. My debt also wouldn't be a problem if I could have taken classes this semester. I don't have to pay on certain debts if I'm in school. You're smart I'll let you figure out what debts those would be. I'm not in classes this semester because I didn't get the financial aid needed to pay for those classes. So I'm not making enough money to pay my bills, which is why I'm trying to find a new job or jobs to help me out, which brings me to my next reason.

I haven't been able to get a new job for a while now. I know there are many people who don't have jobs period, my father among them, so I just have to be patient. Although I'm not sure how long patience will work before collectors start knocking on my door. Please pray it doesn't come to that! I've applied to many different positions and even interviewed several times for one, but wasn't chosen to fill it. I wasn't chosen because my final interview kind of bombed. Oh well! I don't interview well. It's like taking a test for me. I don't do well under the pressure! Just need to keep practicing. I've applied to a few other places recently, so I hope I at least get one interview from them and soon! All of this adds to my stress level, which I think is a big part of the next reason of why my life sucks at this time.

My god damn fucking stomach! Pardon my French, but man I'm sick of my stomach giving me grief. I went to the doctor a couple days ago and I'm going to try two diets over the next month or so. A no dairy diet and then a no gluten diet. This is to see if I'm allergic to one of them. I'm pretty sure I'm not since I eat both almost every day and my stomach doesn't hurt everyday. But when it does I want to die! The doctor also took blood to test for Hepatitis A, but haven't heard the results so I'm doubting it is Hepatitis. I'm also starting to take fiber supplements. Yummy! Not! If none of these things work then I will go to a specialist. So let's hope one of them tells us something!

So those are the main contributing factors to the fucking suckiness that is my life right now. With time these issues will be resolved and I can move on and never worry about them again, so I just have to remember that and not let them get me down. Overall my life is wonderful and I love it, so don't be too worried. I'll be fine. I always am. If life has you down just remember the words of a favorite sea dweller of mine. Just keep swimming!

Linkin Park - Iridescent

Now I know there aren't many lyrics to this song, but I love the ones it has and hope you enjoy it.

Linkin Park

Iridescent

You were standing in the wake of devastation

And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

And with the cataclysm raining down

Insides crying "Save me now"

You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

You felt the gravity of tempered grace

Falling into empty space

No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

Music Monday - P!nk

P!nk

Fuckin' Perfect

Made a wrong turn, once or twice

Dug my way out, blood and fire

Bad decisions, that's alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood

Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down

Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated

Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than fuckin' perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong

Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

So complicated, look happy, you'll make it

Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game

It's enough, I've done all I can think of

Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than fuckin' perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer

So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere

They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than fuckin' perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

You're perfect, you're perfect!

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me

Pre-Post Mormon

I'm technically still a Mormon although I haven't been active now for over three years. A friend posted a video on facebook from a website I'm sure is in response to all those "...and I'm a Mormon..." videos, but in the videos from this website the subjects explain how they came to be ex-Mormons and the significant impact it has had on their lives. The website is iamanexmormon.com and if any of you are struggling with your feelings towards the church or have left the church I encourage you to check it out. If you aren't Mormon check it out anyway. It's a new website so there aren't many videos, but in my opinion they're worth watching.

The reason I'm bringing this subject up is because I've been feeling I should remove my name from the records of the church for some time now. I think it would help me to sever the very thin ties I still have with the church and bring the closure that is needed for me to completely let go and move on. I just wonder why it's taken me so long to do so. Oh well, it's going to happen soon enough.

My feelings toward the church are not those of hatred but rather those of disappointment. Disappointment with the hypocrisy, lies, and ignorance. Many people in the church mean the world to me and I love them so much, but they were the only reason I stayed active as long as I did. Church was a social function for me-as I know it is for many people who attend-but that's all it was for me for a very long time. I didn't really have a testimony and I didn't want those I loved to be upset or disappointed with me, so I put on the facade everyday to keep questions from being asked. That was until I couldn't lie anymore. I couldn't lie to them or to myself any longer. So one Sunday I woke up and when I would've normally been getting ready to head to church, I told myself I was done. From that day I haven't been to church.

I'm not going to say my life has been perfect since that pivotal decision, in fact, I think it's been more difficult in some aspects, but the important thing is I'm a happier me because of it. I'm happier than I've ever been! Minus my depression. Haha! I'm working on it! I'm a less judgmental person willing to accept others as they are and not try to change them. I'm happier because I can be myself without feeling guilty, dirty, or sinful. I see the world with a wonder I never have before and I love it! I feel closer to others as I never have before. This life has so much to offer and for me the church restricted those offers. So I'm proud to say I am a soon to be an ex-Mormon! I'll probably write more on this subject later, but for now I can't write anymore about it. Need to get my thoughts straightened out. Thanks for reading!

Music Monday-MIKA vs. RedOne

MIKA vs. RedOne

Kick Ass

We are young

We are strong

We're not looking for where we belong

We're not cool

We are free

And we're running with blood on our knees

We could rule the world

On a silver platter

From the wrong to the right light

To an open stream

With a crash and burn

We could make it better

Turn it upside down

Just you and me

We are the dream

No other way

To be

We are young

We are strong

We're not looking for where we belong

We're not cool

We are free

And we're running with blood on our knees

I could change the world

I could make it better

Kick it up and down

Take a chance on me

When you fake a smile

And you think you're better

Gonna put it down

Rip it at your feet

No bridge to burn

Nowhere to turn

For me

We are young

We are strong

We're not looking for where we belong

We're not cool

We are free

And we're running with blood on our knees

What do they know about us?

Are they thinking of somebody else?

Are they wondering what we might be?

Are they thinking of you or of me?

We are young

We are strong

We're not looking for where we belong

We're not cool

We are free

And we're running with blood on our knees

Music Mondays

Music Mondays is a new thing I'm going to try out where I pick a song I like, post the lyrics, and maybe the song as well. I enjoy music so much and it's been a huge part of my life! One thing I like even more is sharing it with people. Music is the universal language and it is the food of love. So every Monday from here on out you can expect to be entertained, inspired, or comforted from the music I will post. I know it's not Monday, but I'm going to start with this post anyway, so without further adieu, please enjoy "How" by Maroon 5. I just copied and pasted the lyrics from their songbook, so sorry if it's hard to read. I'm too lazy to format it right now. Haha.

HOW

I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOUR TOUCH/UNLIKE ANY TOUCH I’VE EVER KNOWN/ AND I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT YOU MUCH ‘TIL I’M BROKEN DOWN AND ALL ALONE – THOUGH I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF LOVE I DO NOT MIND IF I DIE TRYING/ TOOK IT FOR GRANTED WHEN YOU LIFTED ME UP – I’M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP, I AM GOING THROUGH HELL/AFRAID NOTHING CAN SAVE ME BUT THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE/YOU CUT OUT ALL THE NOISE/AND NOW THAT I CAN SEE MISTAKES SO CLEARLY NOW/I’D KILL IF I COULD TAKE YOU BACK – BUT HOW/BUT HOW/I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES WHAT’S GOING ON WITH HIM NOW/DON’T PATRONIZE ME WITH LIES, I’M A MAN, BE A WOMAN NOW – I HAVE BEEN BOUND BY THE SHACKLES OF LOVE/AND I DON’T MIND IF I DIE TIED UP – TOOK IT FOR GRANTED WHEN YOU LIFTED ME UP – I’M ASKING FOR YOUR HELP, I AM GOING THROUGH HELL/AFRAID NOTHING CAN SAVE ME BUT THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE/ YOU CUT OUT ALL THE NOISE/AND NOW THAT I CAN SEE MISTAKES SO CLEARLY NOW/I’D KILL IF I COULD TAKE YOU BACK – BUT HOW/BUT HOW – WHY MUST WE BE SO UGLY/ PLEASE DO NOT THINK ILL OF ME/WHY DOES THE ONE YOU LOVE BECOME THE ONE WHO MAKES YOU WANT TO – CRY/CRY/CRY – THOUGH I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF LOVE I DO NOT MIND IF I DIE TRYING.

Hotness

O. M. G.

Locked Out

I couldn't get a flight to D.C. so that's pretty much shot. I guess it wasn't what I was supposed to do, which is okay. I'm going to try harder here to get a better job or look for opportunities elsewhere. D.C. is still a possibility, but it would take a little longer and I need something as soon as possible. Work has been horrible the last week and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out. So for once in my life I'm going to really push myself to improve my situation and hopefully I will get some results. I'll keep everyone posted.

Door May Be Locked

So yesterday didn't work out for a flight to D.C. I'm trying to fly standby because my friend has a friend, who's a pilot and apparently the Salt Lake International airport sucks ass for standby flights! I'm hoping I can get one for tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the day off work and getting some cleaning done in my room. Maybe I'll even do some cooking for once! It's been a long time since I've cooked. Tells you how unhealthy I really am though I may not look it! Bleh!

P.S. Bleh is a word similar to fuck, not in meaning, but in where it can be used. It's an inside joke with me and some friends, but feel free to bleh away!

Opportunity Knocks

I'm flying to Washington D.C. tomorrow for a job interview! I've been talking with a friend who resides in the vicinity and who also happens to be a high school teacher with connections. He's convinced me to come out and interview for a position at some high school, so I'm obliging and gracing him with my company in the process. I'm very grateful to him for helping me out and being a good friend as well!

I'm going because I feel it could be an amazing opportunity, but I'm not making any decisions until I see how I feel about the situation. Oh and also the interview has to go well. Forgot that part of the deal. I do love D.C. very much, so if opportunity knocks, I have to decide if it's the right door to open. I'll of course let everyone know what happens in the choosing game. Wish me luck!

New Year, New Start

Well, the holiday season has come and gone and a new year has begun. 2010 was an interesting year for me. Some things were good, others not so much, but I'm a stronger person going into 2011. I hope I can make this year a great one and make the necessary changes I need to ensure my life is more fulfilling. They won't be easy, but they will be worth it.

Some things I hope to achieve are a new job, a better body as well as a healthier one, pay off some debt, start school again, and overall just be a happier person. I know the things I need to do, but man can it be hard for me to motivate myself. Not to mention I have no self-discipline. At all. Maybe I should work on that too...

Anyway, I hope you all had an enjoyable holiday season and hope your dreams can become reality in 2011!

P.S. I'll try to post more. Hehe.