Life Goes On...

Life goes on...and it's going fast. I'm now 25 and trying to get my life going in the direction I want. Boy is it challenging! I'm almost done with my first semester at a local community college. I've decided to study Interior Design. The community college offers only an Associate Degree, so I'm hoping when I'm finished with it I can finish a Bachelor Degree out of state somewhere. I really need to get out of Utah for a while and I can't wait to get to that point! It still seems so far away, but until then I'll finish school. I love my classes and can't wait to start designing!

Along with school I've been employed with Nordstrom since July and I love it! It's a great company to work for. I was let go from the gas station I worked at for three years, but I think it's a blessing in disguise, although the loss of money has been hurting quite a bit. Trying to figure out a way to make up for it, but no luck yet.

I've been taking an acting workshop for about twenty weeks now and I can't get enough! Acting is the main thing I've wanted to do in my life, so I'm trying to pursue that as well. This workshop has taught me so much about the business and given me a greater drive to achieve my dream. It's also helped me realize that I can achieve it, so keep your eyes out for me on the silver screen!

I've been having some health issues for about the last year and hopefully will have them solved within the next couple of months. I just want to feel normal again and have energy and be happy! Not that I haven't been, but sometimes it's been a struggle.

Anyway, the reason I was writing this post to begin with was to share my thoughts on turning 25 and the revelations/realizations that came along with it.

Turning 25 years old made me realize just how fast time is going by and how unaccomplished I feel with my life. I'm going to be 3o in the blink of an eye and if I stay on my current road I will have nothing to show for it. I don't want that as my life. I want to be somewhat established with where my life is going by then, but getting life on the right track is proving to be extremely difficult.

I'm in the middle of a financial crisis, my car keeps having problems that cost obscene amounts of money to fix, my one job doesn't make ends meet, and my health doesn't help with any of these. I'm not writing about these to get any pity or make someone feel sorry for me because I know I'm much better off than so many others out there. I'm writing because I don't know what to do to get on top of them and turning 25 was a giant face palm to what is currently my life and a wake up call to act now.

So...where do I go from here?

Heart of Texas

I watched this video and was amazed by the strength and kindness of those who stood up for people they don't even know. I hope if the occasion arises I will be able to do the same. Not just for gay people, but for anyone who is being mistreated.

Music Monday - Annie Lennox

This song helped me through some tough times in high school so it resonates with me still. If you've never heard it, I hope you enjoy it.

Fran Walsh, Howard Shore, Annie Lennox

Into the West

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore
Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can you see
On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn
To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the West

Spring Has Sprung

It's alive! Er, rather I'm alive! I'm alive and I am so happy that it's spring! The spring might not last too long here, but oh well. The sun has been shining and I'm loving it. I just wish the weather would get on some bipolar medication or something. It's driving me crazy and I want to sucker punch it!

So spring is the time for everything new and I'm hoping this one is the start of something new for me as well. I start a second job next month and am excited to get going. Also it will bring in more cash, which is much needed at this time in my life, although I wish it didn't have to go straight to bills, but such is life! I'm just glad for a new challenge and experience.

I have signed up for an acting workshop that lasts for ten weeks and I can't wait to start greasing my acting chops! It's been too long. I'm very passionate about it, so I hope it will show and that I can be successful in this pursuit. I'm going to work hard and I'll let you know what happens!

Along with the acting, I'm trying to get some modeling things going as well. I've done a couple photo shoots I hope will help build my portfolio so I can start booking some jobs. To help me with this I need to start working out and getting in shape! It's just so hard! Haha. I've been lazy for way too long and laziness is a hard habit to break. It will happen though! It has to happen.

Life has been rough the last few months, but I'm taking things in stride because it's all I can do. It's all anyone can do really. Sometimes life throws its trash at you and you have to go dumpster diving and maybe, just maybe you'll find some treasure. I'm searching for my treasure!

Keep on Swimming

Life sucks right now, but I'm trying to stay optimistic! I know. You're asking why my life sucks aren't you? Aren't you?! Fine! I'll tell you. Now, my life doesn't suck in the sense of I'm a loser or anything along those lines. No, no, no. My life sucks right now because of my inability to get it under control. I will get it under control soon. I hope. Oh I so desperately hope! There are a few major reasons why my life isn't in control at the moment.

First, I am drowning in debt and I don't know how to swim! My debt wouldn't be a problem if my hours at work weren't cut, but alas they were. My debt also wouldn't be a problem if I could have taken classes this semester. I don't have to pay on certain debts if I'm in school. You're smart I'll let you figure out what debts those would be. I'm not in classes this semester because I didn't get the financial aid needed to pay for those classes. So I'm not making enough money to pay my bills, which is why I'm trying to find a new job or jobs to help me out, which brings me to my next reason.

I haven't been able to get a new job for a while now. I know there are many people who don't have jobs period, my father among them, so I just have to be patient. Although I'm not sure how long patience will work before collectors start knocking on my door. Please pray it doesn't come to that! I've applied to many different positions and even interviewed several times for one, but wasn't chosen to fill it. I wasn't chosen because my final interview kind of bombed. Oh well! I don't interview well. It's like taking a test for me. I don't do well under the pressure! Just need to keep practicing. I've applied to a few other places recently, so I hope I at least get one interview from them and soon! All of this adds to my stress level, which I think is a big part of the next reason of why my life sucks at this time.

My god damn fucking stomach! Pardon my French, but man I'm sick of my stomach giving me grief. I went to the doctor a couple days ago and I'm going to try two diets over the next month or so. A no dairy diet and then a no gluten diet. This is to see if I'm allergic to one of them. I'm pretty sure I'm not since I eat both almost every day and my stomach doesn't hurt everyday. But when it does I want to die! The doctor also took blood to test for Hepatitis A, but haven't heard the results so I'm doubting it is Hepatitis. I'm also starting to take fiber supplements. Yummy! Not! If none of these things work then I will go to a specialist. So let's hope one of them tells us something!

So those are the main contributing factors to the fucking suckiness that is my life right now. With time these issues will be resolved and I can move on and never worry about them again, so I just have to remember that and not let them get me down. Overall my life is wonderful and I love it, so don't be too worried. I'll be fine. I always am. If life has you down just remember the words of a favorite sea dweller of mine. Just keep swimming!

Linkin Park - Iridescent

Now I know there aren't many lyrics to this song, but I love the ones it has and hope you enjoy it.

Linkin Park

Iridescent

You were standing in the wake of devastation

And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown

And with the cataclysm raining down

Insides crying "Save me now"

You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel

As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars

You felt the gravity of tempered grace

Falling into empty space

No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known

Remember all the sadness and frustration

And let it go. Let it go

Music Monday - P!nk

P!nk

Fuckin' Perfect

Made a wrong turn, once or twice

Dug my way out, blood and fire

Bad decisions, that's alright

Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood

Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down

Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated

Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than fuckin' perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong

Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead

So complicated, look happy, you'll make it

Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game

It's enough, I've done all I can think of

Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than fuckin' perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer

So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere

They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than fuckin' perfect

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

You're perfect, you're perfect!

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing

You're fuckin' perfect to me